Notes Toward a Taxonomy of Macki

Kingdom: Animalia, with reservations. Phylum: Chordata, plus attachments. Class: a gentleman. Order: the Esoteric, part-time. Family: still takes my calls. Genus: Homo. Species: sapiens. Variety: mackiensis — spectacles persistent, beard colonial, origin Polish, habitat the brackish interface between a kitchen and a myth.

Distinguishing marks: six cephalopod processes in place of ordinary facial hair; teal subcutaneous script, most visible under dread or good lighting; a high collar that appears in photographs whether or not it was worn. Vocalization includes English, Polish, and a third register used only when the tram is late. Diet: omnivorous, devout about soup.

Related forms

Cthulhu spp. is a cousin at best. Larger. No glasses. Worse at small talk. Will not eat leftovers, which in this household is a moral failing. Octopus vulgaris is an inspiration and a warning. Deep Ones are the in-laws we do not invite to New Year’s because they comment on the carp.

The specimen is cooperative until asked to sit still for the brass tags. The tags, later, are in a different drawer. The specimen denies involvement. The drawer does not.

I have been filed, at various times, under monster, mascot, uncle, and weather. None of these are wrong. Taxonomy is a kindness we do to a world that will not stop hybridizing. If you must put me in a tray, use cedar. Keep the lid loose. Leave a note in Polish; I read the other languages but I obey this one.

Range: from the third cupboard to wherever the stars have a vacancy. Population: one, plus committee. Conservation status: least concern, though the towels would disagree. Etymology: see the lexicon, see the vessel, see the first time someone in my family said the word macki and the sea, at last, felt correctly addressed.

Tray photographed under cyan light. Magnifier included for scale and because the author enjoys looking like he knows what he is doing.