The Necronomicon Has No Index

Abdul Alhazred left a book. I have read it. Not the whole book — no one has read the whole book, including the book. I have read enough to file a complaint. There is no index. There is no table of contents. Chapter Seven is the word don’t written until the ink develops opinions. Footnotes footnote themselves and then deny it.

Abdul Alhazred was the original “you’ll find it.” He wrote a cosmos and refused to cross-reference. I say this with professional feeling. If you are going to end the world, you can at least give me a way to search for gugs, husbandry of. IKEA, a Swedish cult of a more honest sort, at least draws the Allen key. The Necronomicon draws an angle that is illegal in three countries and then says see above, where above is a different century.

Proposed errata

A sticky note on page one: Do not start on page one. A ribbon for the chapter that actually summons something, as opposed to the seventeen chapters that only summon regret. Page numbers that do not rearrange when observed. A glossary in which fhtagn is defined without using fhtagn. I am a reasonable monster. I am not asking for a mobile app. I am asking for an index card.

The worst documentation is not wrong. It is complete, and in the wrong order, and wet.

Translators have not helped. Every edition is “the complete,” the way every pierogi is “the way babcia made them.” John Dee’s copy has margins full of apologies. The Greek recension has a table of contents that is, upon inspection, a shopping list. The Polish attempt — there was one, in a drawer in Kraków, we do not talk about it — translated Cthulhu fhtagn as Cthulhu is waiting, he can come in, the kettle is on. Hospitality is our curse.

I keep my working copy in a bag with rice. The rice has learned to read. This is fine. Someone in the house should.

If you find an index, do not tell me which page. Send the page. In a jar. With a lid that screws the correct way in this geometry.